A Camel and a Needle (personal)

Well, the countdown is on. Only 2 weeks left till we leave for outreach! Can't believe how time has gone by so fast. As we prepare for outreach and for travel arrangements and other items we also find ourselves once again dealing with finances.

Oh finances - the word that everyone hates to talk about. Though funny enough, I've been finding it such a constant thing that God is having me deal with and work through. It has been good for me but it has also been a struggle at times as well. Actually a struggle is an underestimate, I've been pretty frustrated I'll say, but God has been really trying to reach me in a new way. He is trying to teach me complete dependence on Him. To show me that when I give these things up to him and when I give generously, how I can see him and have a relationship with him on a whole new level. To have complete dependence on him over finances I can see him work miracles, personal miracles in my life.

I wish I could tell you the many amazing stories those who have been with YWAM or rather those who've been in the mission field for awhile have and the way God has provided for them over and over again financially. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying you need to be a missionary to experience these things, no no, but I think coming from the western culture, many of us don't fully know what it is to have nothing and depend completely on God to provide. One staff asked God to let him learn dependence on him in this way and found his bank account somehow dwindle down to nothing over a short matter of time BUT over the next 6 years of litterly having no money to his name, he was blessed to be able to traveled more than half of the world doing God's work. That's just the tip of all the stories that I have heard here.

So anyhow, where is this coming from? Well, I've really been learning that not every organization works in the way that CRWRC works (in their organization and planning ahead ways) or they way that I like or am more comfortable with and that's okay, it just means more lessons of flexibility. Before I left to come, I had been fundraising for the outreach section of my trip and had been hoping to raise $3000 CDN, unfortunately I didn't quite hit that amount and that's okay. I was still blown away by the generosity and compassion of family and friends, many who really had little to their names. Originally, outreach was budgeted at $2500 USD but now that has raised a fair bit.

I am currently hoping to raise another $1500CDN to cover the added costs.

I ask kindly if you could please pray about whether or not you may feel called to help me out. If you don't, that is completely okay. We are not always called by God to give in every situation. I thank you, either way for your prayers and for supporting me in other ways. I've really appreciated hearing from my mom of those back home who have been keeping up with me on my blog. Thank you.

I thought I would attach the proposed itinerary (that is most certainly going to still have changes but as close to the final as we possibly will have) for our outreach, so you have an idea of where we will be over the next few months as chances are, I will not be able to update my blog often (or at all, though hopefully that's not the case).


December 8th
We will be leaving in two groups, the first group will fly directly from Barbados to Caracas, Venezuela, the second group will have a night stay over in Trinidad and will be sleeping over at the YWAM base there and leaving the following day for Caracas. We will split into 2 groups for accommodations (2 weeks) as well and we will not be staying right in Caracas. Some ministry will be done together and some separate.

December 19th - 27th
We will be traveling 2 to 3 days by bus (all depends on the condition of the bus) to Manuas, Brazil with a short stay at the border, then off to the YWAM base. Here is where we will be celebrating Christmas. There is an orphanage on base here as well.

December 27th
We will be traveling 5 days by ferry to Porto Velo, Brazil and spend 3 weeks here. This includes a week long stay with the Indigenous tribe deep in the Amazon (no electricity, possibly be in water up to our thighs, where there are crocodiles, piranhas, feces, etc., fun times! :O ).

January 20th
Flying down to Buenas Aires, Argentina (because it is much to dangerous for us to drive down to Bolivia), (this is the one place not overly confirmed, we are having a hard time getting concrete answers from them).

Beginning of February to February 12th
We will again be taking a bus for 2 to 4 days to Santa Cruz, Bolivia (sleeping on the bus), spending 10-12 days in Santa Cruz.

February 12
Flying back to Caracas, Venezuela then to Barbados.

I don't know what we will be doing in each place as it is up to the base leaders once we arrive but a few items include: working in orphanages, working in schools for impoverished children, working in a clinic for the poor, working with street children, as well as working with the indigenous tribe.

Again I thank you for your support and prayers. I am so excited to see what all God has planned for us and to see how we might be used.

God's blessings!

p.s. all moneys can be given or sent to my parents. Thank you.

Worship. Praise. Thanksgiving.

Last week (week 7) was an amazing week that led into an even more amazing weekend. Oh man, I get goosebumps, I'm so excited to tell you what's been going on.

Last week our speaker Tina Mollers spoke to us about Worship...yeah maybe you are thinking, I know about Worship, I do it every Sunday or when things are going good. Well, we went a little deeper into the Covenant and Intimacy in Christ. What's that you say? When we really open our eyes we really see how God shares himself in very PERSONAL ways with us. I have a number of personal stories that I can't wait to share with you that has happened this past week but first I want to talk about Worship, Praise and Thanksgiving. Have you ever stopped to consider that each of these three ways have specific focuses? I'm not sure I have. So, what do they focus on?

Thanksgiving = focuses on what God has done
Praise = focuses on what God is like
Worship = focuses on who God is

What does Worship mean to you? Have there been times where you have felt like you have come to Church and received nothing out of it? Have there been times where you have blamed the Praise team for not leading you well enough, so that you were more moved to worship and by that you GOT SOMETHING OUT OF IT? I know that I have had those moments, I think all of us have, but really, ourselves are the only ones to blame in whether or not we have strong, meaningful worship.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
Jeremiah 17:7-8

It's about being truly ROOTED in God. If we are completely rooted in God we will always have an amazing time of worship.Our fruit will never wither in droughts, even in times of hardships we will find ways of worship.

How you might ask?Ask questions! Think personally. Apply personally. Don't just SAY the words but look into them deeper. As you might repeat something like, "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord" what does that actually mean to you? Why are you saying Hallelujah? What are you praising God for? Remember Praise focuses on what God is like. So how does God's being effect you, that makes you want to respond in complete gratitude and thankfulness? Rather than thinking, "I can't believe this is the 10th time we are saying this line" think of 20 different characteristics of God and how each one has personally touched your life, so that each time you shout out "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord" it becomes more and more personal. Worship becomes deeper because it becomes a personal response to who God is!

As we truly recognize what God has done for us, our form of worship becomes so real and overwhelming because we are just overwhelmed in gratitude (got a story for this one too :) ).

Tina challenged us as well in our worship to have Biblical worship, to change our idea of worship and what it currently means to us. To erase judgment of how ourselves and others worship, to be outrageously crazy in worship and to create new, meaningful ways of personal worship. She encouraged us to draw these things out in creative means.

At the beginning of the week she challenged us to write, as a team, our own song of Thanksgiving. We came together and amazingly put together a beautiful, heartfelt song in only two days!! Unfortunately, I am not sure how I can share the tune of the song but possibly when I am back home I will sing it for you :)

I AM THANKFUL

Chorus:
Oh, I am thankful
I’m full of wonder
I am inspired
By all that you have done and you’re yet to do --- God

You bring me to freedom, with your truth and your life
The sun rises across the horizon, it’s a limitless life
I see your face in the stars
I hear your voice in the sea
I feel your peace and your strength
You’re setting me free

Chorus

Your loves always churning, like the biggest of waves
Your heart overwhelms me, I stand amazed
Nothing can ever contain
This mad passion I have for you
You’re giving me reasons to dance
I’m being renewed

Chorus

Beautiful, eh! And straight from the heart with thanksgiving!

Okay now for some of the other personal stories of the week.

Friday morning, for our last class we went into Bridgetown. Earlier in the week we had been given blocks of wood to paint which we took with us this morning. Tina again encouraged and challenged us to go out in groups of twos and threes and look for places/people that a) you could strongly feel the Spirits presence and/or b) where you could strongly feel the absence of the Spirit.

I headed out with Claudia and our leader Sarah. Sarah had a strong feeling to go to the Immigration building. She had often wanted to pray over the building. She had many stories to share of frustrations, rudeness, complications, etc. Over the last couple of years there has been a few staff here abruptly sent home after having their visas denied. She talked about too the hardships that the refugees from Guyana face when they try to enter. The immigration office gives them a very hard time and then if they are one of the lucky ones to be able to stay they face racism from the people here...including those from the Church.

Anyhow, so we felt that God was calling us to walk around the building 7 times, like in the story of the wall of Jericho. Each time stopping at the beginning to pray about what we should pray about next. The fun, extra part that God placed there, were the men outside the building. Apparently the back parking lot is used for car washing by some Bajans as a way to make money. After the second time seeing us pass them by they started to laugh, "Are you ladies lost? Need a tour guide?" We laughed with them and said no we were fine. Then they started to count how many times they were seeing us walk by. Each time we explained a little more what we were doing. During our last time we prayed for these men and we felt led to give our art block to one of the men. My block was of a sunrise with a heart in the middle.

On the back I had written, this block has been specifically made special for you. I explained (after he asked) that the heart represented the love we had for him but more so the love that Christ had for him. Claudia said she saw something in his eyes when I spoke these words. I don't know what he may have done with the block afterwards, but that is where we trust in God to work through the various seeds that are planted. At the end of this we all met back up in the main square and sang songs of worship. It was so moving. Various people stopped to see what was going on, some even pulling out cameras and video cameras!

Sunday morning, we headed to a Wesliyan Church to once again lead worship. Once again it appeared as though the church had an "institutionalized feeling" and over structured feeling. Bekah and Jess joked about divine movement and how they should breakout in crazy worship like Tina talked about. Well when Beverly (YWAM Staff, her church) led us in opening prayer she spoke the exact words that Bekah and Jess had spoken and it felt as confirmation. Oh yeah and also a bunch of the Logos people came to the same Church, which was neat. So anyhow the worship started (which a number of our YWAMers took part in musically) and the Spirit moved. There was dancing and jumping and a number of the members got involved. It was amazing to see.

But it didn't just stop there for us. The next night, Monday, a bunch of us went to the final Monday night worship on the Logos ship as they were setting sail for St. Lucia that very night at midnight. Okay, wait back up just slightly...early that day I had a very much needed conversation with one of the staff leaders. The last couple of weeks I've been struggling in various ways, not always knowing or understanding what the struggle was. Feeling like I had forgotten understandings that God had allow me to receive. Things seemed so jumbled in my head and I felt like I was constantly spinning, having a harder time fully grasping things. I needed a break I felt like - just some normalcy for a while. During the conversation, I began to remember truths that God had put on my heart and I began to feel some peace. I really needed to get some of that out because I felt like it had been blocking me from fully worshiping (because my mind wouldn't stop running all the time - oh this reminds me of the saying, 'Sometimes you need to stop talking to yourself and start LISTENING' :) )

Okay now bounce back ahead. So our wonderful friend Andrew from Sri Lanka, who we had had the pleasure of getting to know (crazy man on fire for God - he was awesome), led the evenings worship. The band played numerous Hillsong songs (along with others) and it was awesome. Our group was up at the front to the right and the Spirit was moving. Dean, Bekah, Jessica and I were right up front and oh man I wish you could have been there. I felt so incredibly free in worship. I am so thankful for these beautiful women who let it all out in their worship, who encourage me to be more like them (who are 10 years younger than I). I just felt like I was just able to give my complete all in Worship and really really mean it. It wasn't for show, it was just between God and I. During a slower song, as I swayed back and forth moving my arms like in a waltz/ballet movement, with my eyes closed I could picture God holding my hands and dancing with me, swinging me around like the little girl that he loves so much. I had the biggest smile on my face, I just felt completely overwhelmed in JOY. It was definitely the most moving and personal worship experience I have ever had. So much so that at the end of it all, Bekah started to talk to me about something and I couldn't stop laughing. So much JOY had built up inside of me and the JOY was pouring out in laughter. I told Bekah I'm not laughing at you, I just can't stop. Bekah was like, You've been speared by the Holy Spirit!! Jess came over to see what was going on and they started chanting out things, Release the Spirit, pour out the Spirit. In the midst of it, I slowly collapsed to the ground with them hovering over me throwing their hands all over me - Kadeen joining in and smearing my glasses all up. All the while I am completely unable to stop laughing. It was amazing. I really felt annointed by the Holy Spirit in that time. I really encourage you to have a moment like that! Wow, does it ever knock the socks off of you. I felt like I was vibrating for a few hours afterwards. I felt so alive.

After the worship, Andrew prayed an amazing prayer over us, praying for fire to reign down on us. It was so moving. Then we bumped into Jane back down on Deck 4 and she told us of a vision she had had earlier of us. She saw us all and then we turned into all these beautiful but extremely unique of eachother, gold crowns. She saw that we were annointed as righteousness in God. She saw that as we recognized eachothers beautiful differences (as we all had strong different characteristics) how as they came together they rose into the most beautiful crown of unity. That when we went out on outreach, God was going to do amazing things, using us. This was so much more encouraging then you could ever know. Everyone here is so beautiful, but there has been something not quite right. A sort of separation in the group, selfishness replacing selflessness. Though we are kind and loving to eachother, you could just sense it. However, after these last few days I believe that God has brought us together in a new way and we have taken one huge step forward on the way to this beautiful unity in the group. I am so excited for this group now. I really believe in this group and really believe that God is going to work us into the mission he has already started in South America in ways that are going to be amazing. Though, don't get me wrong, it's not going to be perfectly easy from this point. I am sure we will continue to have to strive to keep this unity, that there may be times we take a step back but I think we have come to a new place and I am so excited!

Okay, one last pesonal story. Last week Wednesday morning, I got up early again and went out for a walk with God in the sugar cane fields and then down to the road and back. As I was walking back, I was coming upon these short cement walls (like a bridge) on either side of the road. I felt that God was telling me to take a moment and to sit down on it. So I did. After about 5 minutes or so I then felt that I was to get up and continue on. As I got up, my head was still faceing down and I was noticing the puddles on the ground from the rains (as it had been drizzling at times during my walk too). All of a sudden I noticed a rainbow in the puddle and thought, oh thats so pretty...but then I noticed it in the next puddle and thought how peculiar. THEN I had this feeling to look up and there before me were two BEAUTIFUL rainbows! WOW! I really believe that God had me take a moment to sit, to be still as he prepared and designed these promises for me. God was sending me reminders of his Covenant and promises to me. I was so moved singing songs of worship (I had my iPod on). A man was walking from the opposite way and I stopped him to see if he had noticed the rainbows, he had not and there we stood for the next few moments talking about how great God is and his love for us. I am so thankful that I opened my eyes to that PERSONAL moment that God gave specifically to me.

So I encourage you - OPEN YOUR EYES! God is constantly sending you PERSONAL messages of love that are specific to your needs. God is GOOD ALL the TIME! All the TIME God is GOOD!!

Blessings!

A Time of Many Things

Well, you may have noticed that it has been quite some time since my last blog entry. Sorry about that. There has been sooooo much happening in the last couple of weeks - some bad, some good and some amazing. Last week we found ourselves in a very stressful time that really seemed to effect every YWAMer here, myself included. It was especially frustrating coming off of such a spiritual high week having learned about the Nature and Character of God and Jesus' Ministry with our speaker Olu (who is definitely a gift that God allowed me to share in). I still plan on righting a blog about that week and about the Trinity so keep an eye out for that, but right now I think just so that I make sure an entry is made I'll just talk more lighthearted right now about some every day life stuff that's been going on.

I don't know if you have heard of OM (which stands for Operation Mobilization) or of the Logos Ships? I hadn't heard of them till a few weeks ago, I do know about Mercy Ships but not OM. They came into port here last Wednesday and as OM and YWAM have past history we had the opportunity to volunteer on the ship over the weekend. There is a team that comes ahead to put out word about the ship, gather up volunteers, get people excited and to pray over the ministry. Last Wednesday night we went to the ship for orientation. First we got a tour of this amazing ship. It is only 2 years old and is beautiful. They have done sooo much work to it. I don't know what the old Logos ships look like but apparently this one is a huge improvement (and comes with air conditioning even). The ship carries the largest moving book fair, there are soooo many books at really cheap prices for the locals to come and purchase. It's amazing! I'll try and upload a picture later. We had our pictures taken for our access volunteer cards and then a time of learning about the ship and what we will be doing for them.

There are 400 crew from ALL around the world! It was fun connecting with new people who were from your own country as well as meeting people from countries where I had yet too. Andrew, for example, comes from Sri Lanka - he is such a riot, it was so fun connecting with him and hearing about his life and his time on the ship. He is almost done and will be heading home in the early new year. Most crew come and stay on the ship for 2 years but there are shorter commitments as well.

On the Friday we had our first opportunity at volunteering; half of us went down into the book hole where they priced books and the other half stayed on Deck 4 which was open to the public. This was where I was. There were various positions in which we rotated through every 45min-1hr. White house where you sold tickets ($2 bajan), entrance where you welcomed and received the tickets, Icafe - where we had the opportunity to just connect with the locals and hear stories and witness as well, Kids Centre and exit.

I really enjoyed this time of connecting with the locals and meeting new people. God blessed me during my time volunteering in the Icafe as I first was able to join the ending of a conversation with Sarah (leader) and a local women. They had been talking a lot about God and witnessing and not having the right words and such and I was so thankful that I was able to share a few things that I had just discovered about myself with this women that I believe really helped her to not beat herself up. I'm talking about the "detailed person" and the "context person". I discovered during my time with Olu that I am the later, which may seem kind of weird because if you know me I am very detailed...when it comes to Art and Design. I struggle with having a hard time remembering where things are in the Bible or specific facts or specifics about a story but I am good at understanding the overall context of what is being spoken. I may not be able to tell you where it is specifically but I may be able to share other things and I can be honest that I don't know where it is but this is how I interpreted this but I encourage you to check it out for yourself as well... This is what I mean by beating yourself up. I think that often we put so much on knowing exacts that those of us who have trouble feel like we are inadequate and that is why we feel like we are not able to share or witness or how could God possibly use me. I can't just spill off verses like that person, I can't be a teacher, I can't be a missionary... but God doesn't call us all to be like that. We each learn differently and in that we can share his love and gospel differently.

Anyhow afterwords, I roamed around looking to see if anyone was sitting on their own, stopping to speak a hi, how are you doing, are you enjoying yourself. I then noticed a gentleman (Stephen) sitting alone, who earlier, I had seen come in with his family while working at the entrance. I stopped to just say hi and ask where is your family (his daughter was playing in the Kids centre and his wife was with her). I then sat down to chat and before I knew it we were in this amazingly spiritual conversation. Here I was thinking that I may have an opportunity to share about my faith but God had more planned in that moment. My shift was only suppose to be for 45 min...well 1 hour and 45 min later, lol, we finally said goodbye. Thankfully the shift supervisor had noticed how intense our conversation was and was able to fill my next spot with another volunteer. I can't tell you everything that we talked about but I had a lot of confirmation on items that God has been speaking upon me. He told me so many stories of miracles that happened in his life when he gave his life over to Christ. When he gave up his rights for things. He had been married once but as he stated he chose his wife for himself (out of selfishness) before he knew the Lord, it didn't not end well at all. He came into a terrible time in his life, which nearly drew him to taking his own life but then God intervened and he came to know the Lord. He laid down his right to be married and entrusted God that if and when he might meet another women it would be by God's direction and God's choosing - as he can choose the best spouse for you, better than you can yourself. This is one thing that has really been more on my mind then I ever anticipated it being while here but the last book we read was called, "Making Jesus Lord" and specifically talked about the dynamic power of laying down your rights and one of it's points was about relationships (there were many more though let me tell ya!). Anyhow I could probably go on about this for hours but I won't...at this time. I just thought wow, I can't believe that this is exactly what I've been reading about, talking about, discussing about, etc.

Another item, less personal, was about praying for Jerusalem. Do you pray for Jerusalem? I can't say I really ever had, except you know when things are really bad over there and you might mention them within other prayers. Well last week during intercession one of the staff felt called that we needed to specifically pray for Jerusalem and Israel. I thought, interesting, yeah okay I understand there is some more unrest happening but thought okay one time deal again. Then in that book I just mentioned, it talked about it again there - interesting. Well then talking with Stephen he talked about how God pressed on his heart to pray over Jerusalem every day. I was like, okay now I think God is seriously telling me something and I better listen up. Three times in one week! Psalm 122 and Isaiah 62 teach us to “Pray for the Peace of Jerusalem".

So anyhow that was just a piece of what happened for me that evening.
I then volunteered to go back on Saturday again (as it was optional on this day) as I had just such a great time there and really enjoyed the difference scenery and really just getting to spend time with local Bajans (and Logos crew too). It was definitely a blessing to be a part of the ship for a couple of days...of course the food on the ship didn't hurt :) lol, Oh man, the first time we had to wait in the cafeteria, we discovered fresh-made bread and chocolate dip (like nutella) and we were in a hay-day! We went berserk. Such a nice treat! Every time after that we made sure to have another sandwich, lol. I joked that I hoped we were not costing them more in food than our volunteer hours were worth. We also had the opportunity to join with them during dinners (and lunch as well on Sat). It was nice to have something different - especially since the one dinner was a stir fry and I was seriously craving that!

On the Sunday, we ended up having an opportunity to hang out with the children from the first community centre that we lead worship at as they were having a picnic just minutes down the road from us at Three Houses park. It was so nice to see those children again and we had a great afternoon with them playing soccer, games, in the park, etc. Though a very busy weekend it was relaxing in its own way.

Well that's it for this blog. I seriously need to head to bed so I guess pictures will come later at some point, as well as that other blog on the Trinity that I want to write. Hope you enjoy :)

Week 3, Dealing With the Past

This week our topic was on "Dealing With the Past". If you are like me you probably interpreted it to be about dealing with issues from the past and though we did touch on that, we got much deeper and went much farther back into the past. Back when I was only a thought in God's mind. Back to the time of Adam and the fall. Back to truths and deceptions that cause us now to not understand God in the way that we are meant to.

One quote really struck me on just how true it is:
God has created man in His own image and man has repaid the favour. We make God out to be just a really, really good version of us. We can only comprehend the tiniest, tiniest piece of the puzzle so we just make up a pretty box that we think is right and put our God into it and think everything is perfect.

We think we know God from what we read and what we see or have been taught, but knowing someone doesn't always mean we will understand them.

The Deception of the Flesh

The Bible talks about the "flesh". The flesh may be defined as 'a condition in which a person operates out of their own resources doing things their own way' or in other words, me saying I can do this on my own better than God. However the Bible says we are NOT the flesh and the flesh is NOT us.

Galatians 5:16-17 "But I say, walk and live in the Spirit; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh . For the desires of the flesh are opposed to the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are opposed to the flesh ; for they are in conflict with each other, so that you are not free but are prevented from doing what you desire to do."

God did not call us to a measured life or a life with information overload. God called us to life. God pursues US! It's not about performing. He is satisfied with us already; if he wasn't how could he have put the Holy Spirit into our lives. This is the transformation. This is exciting!!

Satan uses the flesh to deceive us into untruths. His first deception was with Eve and Adam. He told Adam and Eve that if they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil that they would be like God [deception] BUT God created us in his image! We ALREADY are JUST like God, in his image. As much like God as we were ever going to be. So what happened? They discovered their nakedness, which in original translation actually means empty. They didn't litterly die but they died inside.

So Good does not equal Life?
No, doing the good thing or right thing doesn't mean you are experiencing life. I am living out of a system that I believe will bring me life (by doing good) but it doesn't - Good is under the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil (self-life, independence, bondage, law, death (in speration).
The Tree of life = Spirit-life, dependance, freedom, grace, life.

So obviously man's effort to get to God wasn't working...that's WHY Jesus always had to come to us. God knew that when he created us that we would separate ourselves from him, it was always the plan for Jesus to come to make us alive again.

When Jesus came and died on the cross for us he spoke the words, "It is finished". This was the reason for his coming, to give us life, to bring God down to us so that we may be a part of him. To wipe us clean from all sin and condemnation. We are now completely righteous. He gave us a new identity in God.
Colossions 2:13-14 - "And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made you alive together with Christ, having forgiven you all your trespasses, having wiped out the requirements against us. He has taken it out of the way having nailed it to the cross".

Romans 2:4 - "Or do you think so little of how riches is his kindness, forbearance, and patience, not realizing that it is God's kindness that is leading you to repent?"
The word for repent in Greek is "metanoia" which means turn around. God's goodness in us yells out "metanoia" to "turn around". There is no condemnation in God when we go the wrong way, just the guidance of "You are going the wrong way child, turn around".

God does not see our sins as Jesus died on the cross for ALL our sins. They have all already been forgiven BUT this doesn't mean we don't need to confess our sins. Not for God but for us. We are already forgiven by Jesus dieing on the cross but if we sin we still need to talk to God about it but we need not fear as we are already forgiven. Sin means now that is puts a wierdness into our relationship with God, it makes it awkward. God is not limited but sin limits us. We do not NEED to confess to God but we do so because it skews our relationship with him.

This was really amazing to hear. So freeing if you really think about it. There is NOTHING we can do to make God love us LESS or More. HE loves us unconditionally. He created us to share relationship with Him (the Trinity). We don't need to be good but we do it because we love him, because of our relationship with him. WE are ALWAYS going to be the fathers children.

So let's go back to Deception and "Dealing With the Past" on a now basis.

I Think...Therefore I Am??? Our self-concept directly affects everything in life.
Our beliefs about ourselves predict behaviour. What I believe about myself will ultimately determine what I do and how I teach others to treat me. For example, If I believe about myself that I am not smart enough and I tell others that I am not smart enough, eventually they will treat me like I am not very smart and then lets say, they will write-off what I have to say as it's probably not very good anyhow.
BUT I AM WORTHY because of Jesus Christ and I shouldn't be treated this way. So when do these deceptions in our mind begin?? We are not born with them but from birth we are "nature-ally" self-focused. Before the age of 5, we have highly developed a self-image, we need others to feed us, pamper us, change us, etc. As we grow if we see parents fighting or other children whispering we automatically think it is about us. We can't see beyond ourselves.

Sin soils, brings deception of how we see ourselves and how others see us. Sin wounds and defiles us. Things of our past, effects from family, friends have created lies in our heads that make us think we are not good enough, not worth it, maybe if I act this way THEN I will have friends, etc. These lies have sown into our hearts. These lies are arrows sticking out of our hearts so that when we meet new people and want to get to know them we can't get close enough because these arrows are in the way. However, we shouldn't blame the past but realize its impact in our lives.

These lies become strongholds in our lives that keep us in bondage of believe the lies are truths.
Four Characteristics of Stronghold Beliefs are:
1) Debilitating - we need to confess it to God so he can take away the lie
2) Controlling - our mind is now telling us what's true
3) Self-protective - put up barriers to keep people from hurting us again
4) Self-destructive - living in lies we are not experiencing Christ in his fullness.

We need to recognize the lies and once we discover them give them up to God so that he can reveal the truths to us. That we are perfect and wonderful in him, that he is well pleased with us.

So what happens if we don't? Our emotions become effected. Emotions are the colour of our soul, they are an indicator of what's going on underneath the surface in our "Emotional Bank Vault". Our fear is that if we let out the emotions we have hidden for so long it is going to destroy us and those around us.

So during this time we had an exercise in class in which we took a look at the messages about ourselves that we have received from people that have had an effect on our lives which then leads us to feel and think a certain way about ourselves and motivates us to build protective layers. Later we wrote down our final thought that summed up how we view ourselves. It was very sad and hard to see how some of us viewed ourselves - Not good enough, not perfect enough, I can't show who I truly am or they won't like me, I can never fail, I have to always win, etc. It was not easy and how strong those were to reveal these lies to everyone.

I want to share with you what I wrote as I want you to fully be able to take part in my spiritual journey and hopefully be blessed by it.

For me I wrote, "I am not worth it". My lie is that "I am not worth holding on to because either I am not pretty enough, funny enough, positive enough, smart enough." But mainly I'm just not worth holding on to, either as a girlfriend or as a friend. Now I will say I don't totally believe this lie, I believe God brings people into our lives to bless us for a short time or a longer time, some are meant to stay shorter than others but we need to see the value in the relationship and enjoy them for the time they are in our lives. However, there are times when I am low or down in the dumps or feeling lonely that Satan brings this untruth back into my mind and fools me into believing this.

The wonderful part about this exercise was that in the end we prayed to the Holy Spirit to reveal us truths to speak upon each other. It was so beautiful and so uplifting. It was such a special moment for us and another bonding time.

So how do we erase these lies or at least begin to work on erasing them?
In "Forgiving One Another as in Christ He Forgave Us".
However, let me note: Forgiveness is NOT for the person that hurt you. It is for yourself to release you from its clutches but we must also note that we can only do this in God, apart from Him it is impossible to forgive on our own.

Moving toward Freedom first 'Face the pain' [identify the person/event/emotion/effect] then Forgive (or cancel the debt), then 'Accept the offender as he/she is without demands for change' and lastly 'life free to engage again in relationships with others'.

To emphasize all that I wrote, I want to leave off with a song that Laurie left off with for us. I encourage you to listen to the song if you are able but for now enjoy the words and be open to them. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I really felt that I had to write it all out. I hope that it may have blessed you but if you have any questions or disagreements PLEASE send me a note or email me. I can't promise I'll have answers for everything but I encourage discussion.
Love Stephanie

"Not Guilty Anymore" by Aaron Keyes

It doesn’t matter what You’ve done; It doesn't matter where you're coming from
Doesn’t matter where you’ve been, Hear me tell you I forgive

You’re not guilty anymore, You're not filthy anymore,
I love you, mercy is yours
You're not broken anymore, You're not captive anymore
I love you, mercy is yours

Can you believe that this is true, Grace abundant I am giving you
Cleansing deeper than you know, All was paid for long ago

There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Jesus

You are spotless
You are holy
You are faultless
You are whole
You are righteous
You are blameless
You are pardoned
You are mine

________________

Ephesians 1:17 - "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better."

Week 2, The Father Heart of God

This past week was the 2nd week of the lecture phase of DTS and we were blessed to have Claude Bonjour come and spend time with us and get to know us and bless us with his lectures on the Father Heart of God. We talked a lot about our relationships with our own fathers and we were all very open and it was amazing. We discussed how our views of our earthly father plays a huge roll in our views of our heavenly father, and God really spoke through Claude to a lot of people this week. During one session we each shared about our own personal relationships with our fathers and I was surprised how sad some of our stories were. It made me weep and I know God was weeping as well. Such heartbreak for so many in the group. It got me thinking that maybe we need to look at having more guidance programs for Fathers - new and old. Fathers play such an important role in a child's life and many of them don't know what it's like to be a Father or how to really love and show it b/c of the experience they had with their own fathers and so on and so on. We have programs for mothers but besides Peace Keepers, I don't think we really disciple the men in our church on being fathers that resemble the Ultimate Father of all, Our Father God. I just want to put it out there that I am not talking about ALL fathers. I'm pondering these thoughts and will probably come back to them in the future.

There were many emotional times during the week and when making a comment to Claude, he said, "And this is only the beginning, the first week, just wait!" Which is soo true. God is shaking us all up, there is a movement going on here. It's exciting but also very emotional at times.

I'll share one personal story that happened to me, a hard one. It was during intercession prayer that we have each Thursday morning for the various countries we will be going too. During orientation we were first introduced to "The Principles for Effective Intercession" by Joy Dawsen. A kind of guideline of 10 points on intercession prayer. We split into small groups to pray over Venezuela and the issues there. One of the girls in my group mentioned she had trouble with the guidelines because she grew up being taught how to be open and really communicate with God in prayer (through tongues and various other ways). She struggled with feeling like she was being "told" how to pray. I explained that though she has been blessed to know these, for some of us, including myself, the guidance is very helpful. I never really considered how important it is to ask God to reveal any sins left on my heart that I haven't confessed so that the devil will not take hold of them and this became revealed to me as you will read.
So we began in prayer, myself and a few others praying what was on our heart...then that one girl was overtaken by the Holy Spirit and began praying louder and louder then in tongues. It was amazing but sadly at that same time I felt the devil take hold of me and turn my thoughts of goodness into harsh criticism, feeling all of a sudden that everything I say and do is fake. That I don't really mean what I say and it just went on and on. I froze and could no longer concentrate on anything but selfish and awful thoughts. I had to get out of there...Thankfully Claude happened to be just outside so I got up and went out and spoke of what just happened to me. I am so thankful God put him there for me as I just started to shake so hard from crying so hard. He prayed over me, telling/revealing truths to me to rid of the lies that were going through my mind, praying Gods love on me.
I tell this story because I just want to show how Satan works so hard in situations where he knows that he doesn't have control. He grabs onto anything and everything, twisting things all around. When we first arrived we were told that great things are happening here, a manafestation. God is really speaking here...and he is! This really is an amazing time, we are learning soo much and God is surrounding us here...but that doesn't mean Satan isn't trying to work his magic because he is. Our self-esteem issues are high on the rise. So I just ask of you to pray for each of us here, students and staff. Pray that we can stand strong in God's love and in his truth and to close our ears to lies.

I have just been enjoying so much what we have been learning and I wish I could just tell you about it all, explain everything in full but of course that would take a very long time :P While learning there have definitely been times where various people from back home pop into mind of how much I wish they were here to hear this or that I could be where they were to share what I was learning, but hopefully in time.

Friday afternoon we went to a beach called Foul Bay to worship. That was really neat that we could take our worship outside the classroom and on the beach. Then we all went off for 10 mins to have time to let God speak to us through his creation. I saw a storm coming in (which didn't end up reaching land) and felt God saying that he was going to be shaking things up here and shaking up our lives and our thoughts. It's exciting. Afterwards we came together and shared what we had heard. As usual Alef always has something hilarious happen to him that creates another funny story. He was sitting at the Ocean talking with God and what comes up out of the water right at his feet....a PHONE!! That's right, a telephone! So he said he heard God say, You can call me (talk with me) anytime! lol. Love it! Afterwards we had the opportunity to go into the water for a bit. The waves were insane and I just stayed at the edge of them but it was funny watching others get bowled over and rolled up on the beach.

Friday night we went out to Cafe Sol for some Mexican food which was a good time, it was nice to hangout together away from base, time to bond more and eat some different food! Celina took a bunch of us to Miami beach for the afternoon on Saturday (after spending the morning working on my book report). The water here still amazes me, it is so beautiful. It was 5 pm and we were waiting for the bus which was supposed to come at 5:30 so we decided to walk to the jetty by the Oistins fish market cause you can see turtles there in the evenings. Finally we discovered how to get on the jetty, after some wandering (we had to cut through a building where they brought the fish to gut them...it smelled lovely). There were some men on the jetty and as we were walking by they said "you want to see the turtles?" They were throwing the fish guts into the ocean and there were 4 turtles eating there! They were so huge. It was awesome. We are going to go back one of these days cause Solomon promised to take us swimming with the turtles :-)

Sunday we went to a Community Center where we ran a children's church program for the community children. The kids had so much energy, it was so much fun. We sang some fun songs with lots of actions, one that Solomon taught us. It is sooo hilarious but hard to explain. Hopefully I'll be able to share a video of it at some point or at least once I am back home. We separated into age groups and my group focused on the Fruit of the Spirit. We started with a bunch of repeating fun songs to get to know eachother (songs from our camp childhood days). After our lesson we played simon says with them. They are such a good children, so darling. It was a great time.

In the afternoon we once again had the opportunity to go the beach, back to Crane beach, my favourite. The waves are just right there, a bit large but not enough to be sucked out by the undertow but large enough to body surf them in :) Fun!

Well we have already started week#3 now but I will tell you more about that later. Almost already a third way through the DTS, crazy! :)

South America Outreach Destination

So we were told a tentative schedule type thing of our outreach. We will be going only to 4 countries, not 5 due to the fact that it is the rainy season in South America. So we fly out of Barbados to Trinidad and Tobago because that is the only way to reach Venezuela, from Trinidad and Tobago. We fly from Trinidad and Tobago to Caracas, Venezuela where we will staying and doing ministry. Then we will drive to Boa Vista, Brazil and stay there and do ministry, then driving onto Manaus, Brazil and stay there to do ministry. Then we will take a boat down the Amazon down to Porto Velho, Brazil and do ministry there as well. We then fly to Buenos Aires, Argentina to do ministry and then we travel up into Bolivia and that will be our last place before we fly back to Caracas and back to Barbados. We will stay in each place for 2-3 weeks.
All of this can change of course as we don’t have strong connections in every place so prayer that everything falls into place smoothly would be great. As well as protection as it is the rainy season in many places we are going and this creates a danger for traveling. This is one of the reasons we are not going down through Bolivia to Argentina but rather flying to Argentina and going up to Bolivia because the roads are better this way, it would be too dangerous to go the other way. So far that is all I have, I will keep you updated as I find out more.

Island Tour (and a weekly update)

So Tuesday we went on a bit of a tour around the island of Barbados which was absolutely amazing! We started out at Codrington College which is where the Anglican priest go to become priests. It is one of the oldest buildings in Barbados and the grounds are beautiful and the view even more amazing. It is where one of the couples on the base here got their wedding pictures done. The ducks there were so friendly, the ducklings came so close to us that we could touch them, though when we did, they ran away, but the mother didn't get too mad at us. We were taking a bunch of pictures and joked that people back home would say, "You went to Barbados and all you took pictures of were DUCKS!!??" lol. It was here that I discovered that what I thought were goats I was seeing around the island were actually called black bellied sheep! That was interesting because they kind of looked like goats.

After that we went to a church in St. John. This church, as well, is very old and had some of the oldest tombs on the island. Some dating back even to the 1700's. We then went to Bathsheba which is a beach on the west side of the island which is known for its large rocks. It was so beautiful there. It reminded me a bit of the one lone rock at the farthest point along the Seawall in Stanley Park in BC. It was beautiful there. We then went to a place called the Animal Flower Caves. You had to pay to go in the caves so we didn't, but apparently there was coral down there that was alive and it was quite amazing to see. There were also cliffs here and that is what we went to see. It was very rocky, no beaches on this shore but the Atlantic water was soo blue. These caves were at the North-East part of the island and the waves had hit the cliffs so much that it hollowed it out in places, it was quite beautiful.

Then we continued on to a place called Farley Hill National Park which was just breathtaking. We had driven by some sharper rock hills but only caught a glance and didn't have a chance to take a picture but you could see them from the park. We went there to eat our lunch of cold hot dogs...we were hungry so everything tasted good :) Just before I had an opportunity to talk with fellow YWAMer Claudia. We had such a nice, deep conversation while looking over the valley. I really felt more connected with her. Also I just ask for prayers for her as she could use some. She's a beautiful person but she has trouble believing it herself.

We then continued our trek onto the 4 towns in Barbados: Speighstown, Holetown, Bridgetown and Oistens. We stopped at the jetty in Speighstown which is basically a pier and we were able to see schools of fish and I, along with a few others, saw a turtle swimming, very cool. We also stopped at another Paynes Bay between Speighstown and Holetown where we swam. There were locals with a boat and tubes as well as jet skis offering rides, which was a touch annoying as we were trying to enjoy the beauty and all I could smell was the fumes :P We just drove through the rest of the towns and back to the base. Solomon told us of a beach where you can swim with turtles and has promised to take us there one of the days on the weekend, so excited.

Wednesday we had lectures and more orientation.

International Day of Prayer/Testimonies
Thursday was YWAM's international day of prayer as it was the first Thursday of the month. So we skipped lunch and spent that time in prayer. We all got together, leaders and students and we all split off into groups of 3. Then we prayed and we were given 5 separate questions to ask God. After each question we shared what we heard from God with the other 2 people in our group. The 5 questions were: 1. What sin is there in my life that is preventing me from growing in relationship with you? 2. What do you have on your heart for me God? 3. What do you have on your heart for this YWAM base God? 4. What do you have on your heart for the church God? 5. What do you have on your heart for the world God? This session really stretched me to listen for the voice of God, we only had 5 mins pretty much for each question before we were asked to share in our group. The last 3 questions we wrote down our answers as those would be given to the head of YWAM to see what God was speaking to all of us. I did hear God speak somethings on my heart but a few of the questions I heard nothing, which is fine too. Janell (staff and worship leader) and Riikki (fellow YWAMer) were in my group. After that we stayed and shared our testimonies. We didn't finish through everyone so we continued Friday afternoon with that as well. That was a real enjoyable time. Some testimonies (specifically Solomons and Alefs) were very funny (well b/c they made them that way, they both had pretty intense things that they went through) and other testimonies we wept through. I really enjoyed that time as I think it really help us to bond more together and to understand a bit better where each of us have come from and how God brought us here to YWAM Barbados DTS.

Tae bo
We started Tae bo on Thursday with Solomon. I am so sore at the moment. Tae bo is an intense aerobic workout that had us all sweating especially because it does not cool down much at night here. It is still hot and by the end of the session our clothes are completely soaked in sweat! I don't think I have ever sweated that much before! But it is lots of fun! Kashama, Solomon's wife, joined us the first evening. I joked how mean her husband is, torturing us, she agreed, lol. Kashama has already become a special person to me here. She works only one day in the YWAM office and otherwise is in University. They live just to the right of the base so when she is not at school she is often around. We really click and I just love being around her and talking with her. She is such a hoot and add Solomon into the mix it's a barrel of laughter.

Friday we continued and finished with the testimonies as well as had another Tae bo session. We will be having one every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and going for a walk one night a week in the evening...not sure which night yet. Solomon and Alef - who is from Holland - go running every morning at 5 am. I wake up about 15 minutes later to go speed walking to the big hill, up and around and back. So far I've had at least one girl come with me every morning, which has been really nice.

Oistins Excursion
Friday night around 8:30 pm we left for Oistins and the fish market there, once again Solomon driving us. That was fun. I had flying fish, along with a bunch of sides including the Carribean Macarroni pie. We got a chance to look around the shops set up there and listen to the music - there were 2 dj`s and 2 separate stages - which was neat. We didn't stay out too late, which was fine because we still had fun!

Bridgetown Excursion
Today most of us spent the day in Bridgetown doing some shopping and getting some things we forgot. We took the bus in and though I started off sitting, it wasn't long before I gave up my seat for an elderly women and found myself standing, which was funny as it wasn't much before I made a comment there is no way I would want to stand on these type of buses. What a workout! Holding on super tight as those buses do not go slow and whip around the corners. Made for a great true Caribbean experience :) We started off at Chefette because the boys missed breakfast. Chefette is a local fast food restaurant - no McDonalds here, but there is KFC. So far I have only had ice cream at Chefette. Then we moved on to some stores. Cave Shepherd is a duty free store so we spent most of our time there and unfortunately it was here we lost part of our group. We looked around for them but couldn't find them. We headed out to check out the street shopping, which is much more up my alley. Feels more like being in the Caribbean, I can always go to a mall back home but the street shops we don't have. After we got all the household items and food we were missing we headed off to the beach. White as snow sand and crystal clear blue waters, just beautiful. We were there for a few hours, when Nicole and Riikka found us (two of the girls we lost). That was great. We stayed for about an hour and a half longer and then headed back to the bus terminal to go back to base. It was a great but tiring day.

Church/Dribble 2 Africa
Sunday we left for Church at 7am as it was clear across the island completely to the opposite side. It was a great service and Alef was the first to share his testimony in Church. Solomon talked about Dribble 2 Africa which is another program that YWAM Barbados is putting together in June/July 2010 to go to the World Soccer Championships in South Africa, where Solomon lived at one point. They will be working with orphans, young boys in high security prisons and evangelising on the streets. It sounds like such a great program. Solomon is going around the various islands getting the young Caribbean people excited to join. They are hoping to take at least 300 people!

The rest of the afternoon I just relaxed, uploaded pictures to Facebook and gabbed with the few people who had opted out from going to the beach again. Skype has been working well so I have had the chance to talk with mom and dad a few times which is really nice.

School/Work Duties
Today, Monday, we officially started classes with our guest speaker Claude Bonjour from Switzerland. Our first week is on The Father Heart of God. It was a great start. In the afternoon we parted to our "work duties" and/or ISCF, which is the school Christian intervarsity here. My work duty is actually in the office! I'll be able to put some of my design skills into play once again, helping out with laying out their newsletter, as well as helping plan the Christmas party for Children on the island that are infected or have been affected by HIV/Aids. Sadly, we will be gone for the party but I'm excited to be able to help with the preperations. Celina and Marcia were fighting over me in the office, which was funny. Celina is the accountant here (and she will also be coming on outreach with us) and she has soo much to do. So I will be helping her out as well, working on the Gov't VAT forms, going through the invoices and filling out and excell form so they can get their tax money back since they are a non-profit organization.